Every ride home starts with a question, whether you mean to ask one or not. The one you pick says either “I want to know how you played” or “I want to know how you are.” These three do the second one.
Why “how’d you play?” backfires
Even asked warmly, “how’d you play?” tells your athlete the game is still being graded. It puts them right back into evaluation mode, minutes after they walked off the field trying to leave it there. The questions below ask about something else entirely — which is exactly why they work better.
“The question you ask first tells them what you care about most.”
The three questions
1
“What was something fun about today?”
Separates the enjoyment of playing from how the game went. Even after a rough loss, there’s usually one honest answer here.
2
“Who on your team did something you noticed?”
Turns attention outward, toward teammates instead of their own stat line — and it’s an easy, low-pressure thing to answer either way.
3
“What are you hungry for?”
Sometimes the kindest question isn’t about the game at all. It gives them something simple to answer and quietly signals the debrief is over.
If they answer with one word
“Fine” or “I don’t know” is still an answer — it just means not yet, not never. Let it sit instead of following up right away. Kids often circle back to something real a few minutes later, once they’ve decided you’re not grading the answer either.
Do this next
Pick one of these three before your next drive and use it instead of your usual opener — even if it feels a little unnatural the first time.